A Light in the Dark
by Shadows On A Love-Struck Soul
Summary: Uther will do anything to keep Merlin and Arthur apart but as soon as they are apart they are cold and unfeeling. Only one thing can make them feel alive again; each other . They are the other's light in the dark. Please r&r Merlin/Arthur Slash dldr! ;p
1. Routine

Arthur had been watching his manservant all day. He watched him clean the armor and his chambers. He watched as Merlin made his bed and fastened his cloak. Of all the things Arthur watched Merlin do, not one of them was for himself. They were always for Arthur. But Merlin never seemed to mind; especially not recently. Arthur had been rewarding Merlin each night for the work he did in the day.

But one day, Arthur needed Merlin. He couldn't help it. He couldn't wait until that night. He had to have Merlin now. Merlin had worked hard that morning, he had told himself, trying to justify these feelings that were getting stronger by the minute. And Merlin deserved a reward. So did Arthur for waiting this long.

Arthur pulled Merlin around to face his and pressed their lips hard together. Merlin fought to free his arms from Arthur's grip and wrap them around the larger, blonde man. Arthur pressed him hard into the stone wall; and moved his lips to Merlin's throat for a moment while they both got their breath back. 'I love you,' Arthur murmured into the soft skin of Merlin's neck. 'with all of my heart. I never want to let you go,' they could feel each other's body heat through their skin. They could hear the blood roaring in their ears. This was wonderful. This was ecstasy. This was a secret.


	2. Discovery

Uther marched the halls of the castle, calling for his son. 'Arthur?' he called, angrier and angrier every time Arthur didn't respond. He was really agitated now. Arthur had disappeared. As he stormed along the corridor, he flung open every door. One…two…three…The fourth door he flung open made him stop in his tracks. His son _his son_ was wrapped around his manservant. They looked up as the door opened; Arthur jumped back, away from Merlin but not quickly enough. Uther saw. It also didn't help that both Merlin and Arthur's shirts were on the floor and Merlin's trousers were unfastened. Merlin grabbed his shirt from the floor, held up his trousers with one hand and walked quickly from the room with his eyes fixed hard upon his own boots.

Uther stormed back to his rooms and slammed the door so hard it echoed. What did Arthur think he was doing? Who did that serving boy think he was? Well, whoever he was, he wasn't going to be in the city much longer. No. Forget that. He wasn't going to be in the whole kingdom for much longer. Camelot would soon be a Merlin-free kingdom.

Uther would tolerate Arthur just this once. Arthur was growing up, he didn't know any better. He was still finding out his feelings. No. Arthur wouldn't be punished. That wouldn't be fair.


	3. Confrontation

Arthur knocked, tentatively on the door to his father's chambers; in case he had got back already, before entering. Once inside he sat in a cold, hard backed chair and waited for Uther to return. He tried to order all of the thoughts in his head, tried to form the words that he wanted to say to Uther. He knew that he would have to practice them several times for him to be able to say them with any conviction because; no matter what he said to Morgana, he was just a little scared of his Father.

When Uther entered Arthur stood, his knees shaking as much as his voice as he began his request. 'Father, I came to request that my servant, Merlin, be made a member of the royal household.'

'What?' Uther's head snapped up. 'Why?'

'He has become much more than a friend to me, Father' Arthur looked up at this point. There was so much joy in his eyes when he was talking or thinking about Merlin. 'Father, he is trustworthy, and true, and, and he likes me for who I am, not for my riches.' Sod this, Arthur thought as he threw caution to the winds, 'I love him Father,' Arthur nodded, as if he was agreeing with himself. 'I love him,'

'What?'

'I love him, and I think he should be given a position in the royal household, just like one of Morgana's suitors did two years ago when she thought she was in love. He can be my companion. Nobody need ever know, but I need him round me more of the time. Please Father?'

Uther's frown had become sharper and more pronounced with every word that had spilled from Arthur's lips. 'Where is this boy?' Uther demanded. 'Where is he? I'll have him arrested! I'll have him hanged! Yes, yes, that is far more painful that beheading; more drawn out. I want him to suffer.'

'What? No!' Arthur shouted. 'Father, you cannot kill Merlin. I love him too much. If you will not grant me my wish, then at least leave him alone. You kill the love of my life and I will never forgive you. I…I' He cast around for a threat that Uther would take seriously. 'I'll refuse the crown on your death. I'll leave Camelot and let it become the target for every thief, daemon and monster that walks this earth. God help me I will!' He wasn't shouting, but he was in such a passion that his words (that came out in a strained, forced voice because of all the emotion he was trying to choke back) seemed more threatening and more believable.

They stood in silence for what seemed like and age; staring defiantly into each other's eyes. The father and the son. The King and the Prince. The son and the father. The Prince and the King. The battle of wills made the air static. Eventually, after Uther had realized that his son meant every word, he nodded.

'Fine, he can stay in the castle, but he is not to go near you. Not after what I saw yesterday. I am sure that is why you are here, begging something before I sent him away. I will keep him in the castle but if I see the two of you together I will send him away forever. That is my final offer.'

'Agreed,' said Arthur a plan already formulating in his mind to take Merlin to his rooms or visit Merlin in his every night until he was king, then he could do as he liked.

'Merlin is no longer your manservant. He can be a stable boy, an outdoor man. I do not wish to see him inside this castle again.'

'What? We didn't agree to that!' Arthur stormed at his father.

'You will agree to that if you want him to be both alive and in Camelot!'

Arthur was silent. He nodded once, turned, and left.


	4. Punishment

Merlin looked up sharp at the knock on his door. 'Yes?' he called; tossing his magic book under his bed and out of sight.

Four long fingers appeared round the door. Merlin stood up just in time to see Arthur's head, followed by his torso and legs enter the small chamber and look around.

'Are you busy?' he asked quietly, huskily.

'No, no,' Merlin replied at once, moving over to Arthur. He wasn't in his usual arrogant mood; or his usual brooding but gloriously happy mood that he saved for when he was alone with Merlin. Merlin put his hand on Arthur's arm and looked deep into those eyes. They were such a deep blue that Merlin always thought he could sink right into them and swim around. 'Arthur? What's wrong,' but Arthur turned away and stared, hard at the cold, stone floor.

'Can you come with me?' Arthur asked.

Merlin's thought immediately jumped to their favourite activity when they were alone. 'Of course,' he nodded before following Arthur out of the room and down to the courtyard.

What a sight. There had been a beheading here the day before and now everything was a deep, blood red. The blood was still trickling down through the cobbles; snaking further and further away. 'You want me to clean all of this?' Merlin asked, aghast.

'Not just this,' Arthur corrected; his face a mask of pure disgust at the thought of Merlin having to clean all of this. 'The axe and the block too, and you have to pile up the wood from the scaffold so we can burn it tomorrow for entertainment. We have guests coming.'

Merlin looked up at the scaffold; the wood was soaked in blood. Merlin would have to touch that. He nodded to himself. 'Right, right, I can do that,'

'I'm sorry. This is not my choice,' Arthur whispered. Merlin's head whipped up to look at Arthur. Until now his voice had been dead, emotionless. But now, Arthur was brim with emotion. It was like he was pleading with Merlin. With Merlin? 'It is my Father's doing. I have to go; goodbye,'

Merlin watched Arthur go, before turning back to the monumental task at hand. He fetched a bucket and some water, some rags and an axe before he began his task. Merlin spent all morning with a rag in his hand, scrubbing the cobbles clean and catching streams of blood as they moved off. How much did one man bleed? Within five minutes the bucket of water was a thick, soupy red. Merlin dipped his hands and his rag again and again, slowly, his hand was turning red.

Merlin hated blood. Whenever Gaius was working with open wounds Merlin had to leave the room. The smell of it made him gag and choke. The colour of it made him shake and tremble. The texture of it made him pale and gave him a headache. He hated how it could flow and drip like water but it could also slither off the skin with the thickness of jam. His hand was pale red. His cuticles were a full, blood red and the undersides of his fingernails were itching.

With every breath that brought that pungent fume to his senses he told himself _for Arthur. I'm doing this for Arthur. Not long now_. Even though he knew he was going to be there all night. When the sun was directly above him in the sky Merlin took his opportunity to leave for a while. He went straight to Gaius' chambers and found a jug of water on the table. He poured out some water into a goblet and downed it on one. Again. And again. Merlin drank the whole jug of water, revelling in the way it flowed, icy cold down his throat.

He couldn't eat, he felt ill enough as it was. After he had drowned his insides on water, he forced himself back to the courtyard. Merlin had only set about his task again for about five minutes when Morgana walked past; and stopped.

'Merlin?' she asked.

Merlin sat on his heels and turned to face him; glad to pull his face away for a moment. 'I'm cleaning, My Lady,' he wanted to say 'what does it look like? Sunbathing?' but refrained.. Just.

'But why? I thought you were Arthur's servant?'

'Then I suggest you take the matter up with him,' Merlin said sadly; wondering why Arthur wouldn't tell_ him_ what was going on.

'That's just what I'll do,' Morgana replied, more to herself than to Merlin, before she swept out of the courtyard.


	5. Addiction

He was staring at Merlin. This was as close as he was ever going to get to his lover now. He couldn't see Merlin in the castle, if he did then his Father would get rid of him. They couldn't meet in the city at all. There were too many guards and Uther had spies. Arthur couldn't get Merlin away from his job now because Uther was watching the courtyard. Arthur could see him stepping out onto his balcony every few minutes to check that Merlin was still there. His father was on the balcony now.

Merlin was getting up and dragging that huge bucket away. It was banging into his legs with every step he took. He was walking away from the castle, probably to get more water from the…oh God! This was his only chance. Merlin was going out of the courtyard and into the town to the water pump, there was nothing suspicious about Arthur wanting a drink, he had gone down there before and the water pump was out of sight of the castle so Uther couldn't get involved. Arthur ran from his room.

Uther saw Arthur suddenly dart out of his chambers and he called guards out onto his balcony from the courtyard below.

Arthur was running as fast as he could down to the water pump. On his hasty way out of the castle, his heart in his throat at the thought of seeing Merlin again; even only for a second he passed Morgana. She called after him; 'Arthur? Arthur what is going on with Merlin?' But Arthur could only hear her words echoing through the corridors as he ran and ran and ran. He couldn't stop a smile creeping across his face until he let out a bark of laughter. Merlin. Merlin was all that mattered, and Arthur was going to see him, possibly for that last time, if Uther had his way.

Quietly, he sent four guards down to the water pump. 'Bring back my son, drag him. I want you to drag him. And bring back that boy. Throw him in the dungeons, in the cells and bring Arthur down there too. I don't care what they are doing or what Arthur says. Ignore him. Just drag him. Drag them both. Go. Now' the guards turned and left immediately. 'Fast' Uther shouted back at them and the guards quickened their pace.

Arthur was desperate to see Merlin. He was desperate to see those twinkling eyes and that beautiful grin. He was desperate to fell the hot blood pulsing through Merlin's veins and hear Merlin's floating, musical voice heart warming laugh. Merlin was like a drug and Arthur was addicted. He was flying with Merlin by his side; but when he was far away; all Arthur could think of was getting his next fix of Merlin.


	6. Crime

Arthur rounded the corner and gripped the wall with trembling fingers. 'Merlin,' he breathed and Merlin looked up at once. A smile lit up his face and he beamed. Merlin finished with the water pump and began to carry the water back to the castle with Arthur at his side. 'Here, I'll take it,' Arthur closed his hand around Merlin's on the handle of the bucket so they had to walk close together. At the contact of skin Arthur's fix and flowed through his veins and he was flying high. So high, in fact, that he didn't notice the knights heading towards them.

'I missed you,' Merlin murmured to Arthur as he watched the men walk past, thinking they would carry on walking. Merlin was mistaken.

Two knights went each side of the pair and pulled them apart. The bucket fell with a dull thud and a clatter on the cobbles as the boys' hands were wrenched apart. The water flew in an elegant arc with droplets landing on the six men. Merlin was forced to placed one foot in front of the other if he didn't want to be completely dragged; the two men gripping his arms so hard he was sure they were going to bring up bruises were much stronger than he was.

'What is going on?' Arthur demanded of the knights. 'Put me down, let go,'

Merlin didn't bother with words, they would have been a waste of time and he knew it. Heads turned and watched as the Prince was dragged, kicking and screaming followed by his servant who was quiet and docile.

Uther turned and left his balcony as he saw Arthur and Merlin being marched down to the dungeons. He set off quickly and hurried down endless flights of stairs, passing maids and guards, all of whom dropped into a bow or courtesy as he passed. His cloak billowed behind him as he sped down the spiral, stone steps to the dungeons where he turned to face the entrance and waited calmly for his son and the servant to arrive.

Heavy footsteps and shouting from Arthur, followed by an audible stumble announced the presence of Arthur and Merlin to the king. As soon as Uther came into Arthur's sight his face twisted in anger; 'You!' he spat, forgetting all manners. 'Father, tell them to release me, tell them to release us both!'

'No,' said Uther calmly. 'Tie him up,' he said quietly to the knights who immediately began to tie Arthur to the wall. He hung there, his feet barely scraping the floor with his arms raised high above him.

Uther walked towards Merlin now; his steps echoing in the dank, dark, dirty dungeon. Merlin wouldn't have been surprised if everybody in the castle could hear Uther walking and knew what he was planning to do.

Uther lifted his hand to Merlin's face. Merlin instinctively flinched away; a sharp intake of breath from Merlin was followed by heavy breathing. The air was thick with tension, fear and anger. Uther turned away from the still mute Merlin and walked to the back of the dungeon. Merlin's scared eyes caught Arthur's for a second and they both knew that there was nothing they could do about this. When Uther turned back to face them, he held a long, leather whip in his hand.

Merlin eyes the weapon, cautiously. There was a long, sharp, splintering piece of wood in the end of it. Suddenly, Merlin found his voice. 'No! No! Sire, you can't hurt Arthur, I won't let you hurt Arthur. He's done nothing wrong, it was all me! All me!'

Arthur interrupted 'No, Merlin.' He said dully, quietly, but still Merlin obeyed. 'Let him do what he wants to do to me, I don't care,'

'I care,' Merlin whispered.

'I know,' Arthur whispered back.

'If I'm not interrupting you little chat,' The King said, icily. 'I would like to point out that you are both wrong. I am not going to whip Arthur,' then he turned straight to Merlin. 'I am going to whip you,'

Warm relief swept through Merlin. At least Arthur wasn't going to get hurt. Cold dread washed over Arthur. 'What? No!'

'You asked for this Arthur, I told you that the two of you were not permitted to see each other and you expressly disobeyed me. You leave me no choice; you have brought this entirely on yourself, well, on Merlin,'


	7. Pain

Blood splattered the floor; Merlin's blood. Uther brought the whip above his head again and again before he brought it slashing down to crack against Merlin's back. Merlin's back would hollow and arch with each lash but no tears escaped his eyes. No gasp of pain was issued from his lips as he bit down hard on his bottom lip to prevent any show of weakness. Merlin glared up into the King's eyes with pure loathing. He wasn't going to let Uther think he was winning. Merlin would always be the winner. He would win Arthur. The thought of Arthur warmed his body. The picture of that smile gave him enough strength to stand up and leave his crouched position on the floor where the whipping had placed him. He stood calmly and turned his back on Uther, displaying it, giving him free rein to keep whipping, now Merlin could let the tears fall silently, while nobody could see him.

Arthur was staring on in amazement. He could only just see the top of Merlin's head behind his Father. He had no idea how much pain Merlin must be in right now but he knew it would be a lot. Watching his lover getting whipped by his Father; it was unthinkable. With every snap and crack of the whip Arthur winced and showed more pain that Merlin did. He hated how Merlin was enduring this for him; because of him. He hated how he was powerless to stop it, tied to the wall. His face twisted in anguish. Arthur wanted to punch and kick and beat his Father for this but, even if he were able, he doubted he would have been able to. He wanted so much to shout at his Father; to scream at him, to hurl all the insults and emotions pounding through his head right now. He wanted to hurt his father just as much as he was hurting; to make him understand pain and love and to make him feel what a broken heart really was. But he could not. He could not raise his voice. He wanted to you don't touch the king. You watch while he messes, toys with and manipulates everybody else and you pray that he never picks you.

When Uther had finished he turned to his son. Arthur looked at the end of the whip, the piece of wood was a dark brown/red; it dripped blood. 'Merlin will be spending one final night here, in the cells before he leaves Camelot forever; at sunrise. I like to think I am a merciful master,' Arthur smothered a scoffing laugh at that, now was not the time. 'So I am willing to let the two of you see each other for Merlin's last night.' Arthur nodded in ascent and the king continued. 'But you will be in two different cells'

Arthur looked hard at the floor and fought to keep his voice steady. 'Thank you My Lord' and before Arthur had raised his head; Uther had gone.


	8. Want

Merlin sat in silence at the back of his cell. Arthur sat at the back of his, far away from Merlin. They were waiting. Waiting for the bell to ring and shake the city; it would tell the knights guarding their cell to go. Then somebody would only guard the door to the dungeon five minutes away. They were in the deepest part of the castle, they had walked further underground than the dragon's cave to get here. They were at the end of the twisting passages and catacombs and they would be alone with only the metal grid between them.

The hours dragged, every minute seemed like a year as the two men sat in silence, staring hard at the floor. Arthur couldn't stop the image of the whip soaring above his father and then snapping back down to carve harsh lines on Merlin's back. It made him wretch at the thought. Merlin was frowning, concentrating as hard as he could. He was focusing on different parts of his body; parts that didn't hurt, to distract himself from the burning pain.

Arthur noticed a tiny window at the very top of the cell. There was no glass; just bars, it was at ground level outside but high up from in the cell. He watched as the sun had slowly reached the hills and then dipped, bit by bit, until it had completely disappeared, leaving blood red sky for a moment before the hills and everything around them was swallowed by darkness. The red brought back images to Arthur's closed eyes; the blood dripping from the whip; it was clearer, sharper, and more violent than most memories. He could almost smell the fresh blood, which would have been a little better than the smell now drifting towards him from Merlin as the blood began to dry; it was like it had gone stale.

Uther strode through the corridors of Camelot Castle. He was searching for a knight, for any number of knights, or guards; anyone who he could command. Eventually, he found some guards and called them over to him. 'Now, I want you to go down to every house in the city and tell them that tomorrow, at sun rise, they are to come out into the streets, make a path down to the city gates, and wait there for our exile.' The guards frowned, nodded, and then turned to lumber off in the direction of the lower town as slowly as possible 'Now!' Uther shouted and they hurried out of sight before slowing again.

Once the moon had come into full view, its pale, ghostly light filtered through the bars in the small window, onto Arthur's face. He turned his face slightly away from the moonlight; it was bright after spending most of the afternoon and evening in the dim light of the cell. Merlin looked up for a moment, having only just noticed the disappearance of the sun, and saw the moonlight glancing off the incredibly handsome boy. He was stunning, Merlin couldn't think, he couldn't breathe, then Arthur turned his face away from the light and Merlin sighed. Why should a mere man be as beautiful as a God?

Eventually, finally, after hours and hours of waiting, the bell rang and rippled out past buildings and people until the knights left, locking the door behind them and began to wend their way back to ground level.

There was a moment of awkward silence; they were both waiting for the other to make the first move. It was Arthur who broke the stalemate. He stood up and staggered across the cell, his legs were dead from lack of use in the past few hours and pins and needles had struck several times from knotting them up in an intentionally uncomfortable position. Merlin watched him cautiously, his lips pursed without his knowledge. Arthur reached the metal grid between them and collapsed against it, his fingers wrapping around the metal framework.

Soon, Merlin dragged his body across his cell until they met in the middle. Using his legs would have caused pain to his back. 'I'm sorry,' he managed to whisper between gasping breaths from the effort it took to drag his limp body across the floor.

Arthur laughed humourlessly; '_you're _sorry? Why should you be? This is my faul-'

'No it's not,' Merlin disagreed, raising his voice defiantly.

'How can you say that? You've done nothing wrong. You didn't even know what had happened between me and my father. Believe me Merlin, this is not your faul-'

'I wanted you!' Merlin shouted over his love before continuing with an expression that every word he spoke out loud was a knife in his ribs 'If I hadn't dared to think that you might feel the same way, if I hadn't hoped that your stomach turned as mine did every time you touched me,' tears formed in the corners of his eyes but did not fall, they just glistened 'if I hadn't kissed you back that first time…If I hadn't wanted you so much, so ardently that I couldn't want anything else in the world and if I hadn't loved you with all of my heart then you wouldn't be here,'

Arthur reached his hand out through the bars and took Merlin's chin in his hand. He wiped the first tear to fall from Merlin's cheek with his thumb. Merlin reached up with both hands and clung to Arthur's arm while the tears fell fully and thickly. Arthur smiled sadly as Merlin leant into his hand, and they both took comfort from it.

'Merlin?' Arthur said quietly. Merlin didn't reply, so he continued. 'Merlin, not one of those things is a crime. It is not a crime to fall in love; it is not a crime to be happy when someone loves you in return. And it's certainly not a crime to feel…human, to feel odd inside when you touch the one you love.'

'Then why else are we down here?' Merlin mumbled from Arthur's sleeve.

'I don't know…' Arthur shook his head 'we are here because…because my father thinks that to be human is a crime but I know it is not Merlin.'

'What you think is all that matters to me,'

'I love you and you love me, and nothing else means anything to me,' Arthur assured his young, dear friend. 'Nothing else could ever block the warm glow that our love brings to me Merlin; you will never be eclipsed by anything in this life,'

Merlin sat up properly and winced at the pain in his back, God, it wasn't getting better, it was getting worse.

'Let me have a look at you,' He said, concerned.

'No, no, it's fine,'

'No, no, it's not. You're in pain, now let me look at you,'

'How? There's a metal wall between us,'

'Take your shirt off and turn around, right next to me,' Arthur gulped as the words came out of his lips.

Merlin obeyed, pulling his shirt over his head with caution so as not to cause any extra pain to the already tender skin of his back. Arthur's eyes were fixed on his chest but he didn't think Merlin had noticed.

'Nice view?' Merlin asked, conversationally. The tears were now gone from his eyes and the old, happy sparkle was back.

'Sorry,' Arthur replied, a little late as he didn't really wan to stop concentrating on Merlin's pale, glorious chest.

Merlin knelt down with his back to Arthur and then edged backwards, towards the wall and into the moonlight. Arthur couldn't help gasping when he finally saw Merlin's back out of the darkness. It was laced with red lines crossing and joining and leaking into each other. 'What, what is it? Arthur? What is it? Merlin asked, panicked.

'No…nothing,' Arthur replied before adding; 'can I touch you?'

Merlin nodded, 'Go on, but gently, I won't be ale to manage a hard blow,'

Arthur nodded, even though Merlin couldn't see him. He stretched his hand through the bars again. Holding his body up from the floor with the other.

Merlin's arms were stretched behind him, gripping the bars to hold himself up in such an awkward position. Arthur's fingers connected with Merlin's skin in one of the few places that was still skin coloured. He ran his fingers along the skin until he found one of the deepest cuts, he edged his fingers onto his, right in the middle of Merlin's back.

Oh! Merlin didn't know that there was such pain that coursed through his body then. He sucked in a sharp snatch of air and twisted his wrists round on the bars, gripping tightly so as not to shout out in pain.

'Sorry,' Arthur murmured as he quickly pulled his fingers away from Merlin's back.

'No,' Merlin replied, his face screwed up, 'No, it's fine, you can keep going, you can press harder, I…just didn't know it would be that tender,'

Arthur found the deepest scar again and pressed a little harder into it, Merlin arched his back and tensed his muscles and Arthur could hear him breathing through his teeth. He found every single scar, some of them deep, some of them shallow and ran his finger along it, applying no pressure. After a while Merlin slackened his muscles and began to breathe normally, he got used to the sharp stab as Arthur's finger connected with his torn flesh but then, ne noticed how warm Arthur's finger tips were and he didn't mind so much.

'Does it hurt so much any more?' Arthur asked, quietly.

Merlin shook his head.

'Good,' Arthur replied. 'You can put your shirt back on now,'

Merlin pulled his shirt back over his head and sat back next to the cell wall with his legs swung round behind him. Arthur was sat the same, their fingers touching through the grid bars. 'What's going to happen tomorrow?' he asked Arthur, tentatively.

'I think you'll have to leave, he promised me he wouldn't kill you,' neither one of them was looking at the other; they were looking at the entwined fingers and wishing that their whole bodies were entwined in just the same way.

'But I can't leave,' Merlin protested. 'I can't think, I can't breathe, I can do nothing without you anymore,'

Arthur frowned in confusion. 'What do you mean?' he asked.

'I mean, you are the reason I get up in the morning. You're the air to my lungs. You are the one light in my dark world. My light in the dark.'

Silence.

Silence.

'I love you, you know,' Merlin said, remembering what Arthur had said, could it only have been a few days ago? 'I love you, with all of my heart. I never want to let you go,'

Arthur laughed for a second, but he didn't find it funny, it gave him an idea, _never let this go_ and _a light in the dark_.

Light…light…_torch light! _Let this go…that was easy, they wouldn't let go.

'Sshh,' Arthur soothed Merlin as they both leaned on the metal grid and tried to sleep, a plan already formulating in Arthur's mind.


	9. Blood

The blood on his hands; red mist billowing through the water in the bucket. Blood, liquid life, trickling through the cobbles of the courtyard. The stench of blood, the stench of death. No! Darkness; darkness, there was nothing but black, impenetrable darkness. No? No. There was light, light shining through a little window with bars, a man was stood in front of him, casting shadows all around and leaving him in the shade. The man raised the weapon in his hand and brought it down with a slashing blow. The stench of blood that had receded slightly had come back fresh. Hot, cold liquid trickled down his back. The man struck again and again. Now his back was flooded with cool, warm liquid and each cut burned and scorched like the wildest fire. Merlin gasped in the cold night air and stared all around him. His fragile body shook with cold sweat, the salt stung his cuts and he breathed loudly.

Arthur could hear something but he was so comfortable, so relaxed, he didn't want to open his eyes. Eventually, after minutes of ordering himself to, he opened his eyes to see Merlin. Merlin was sat up, shaking violently and breathing so rapidly and noisily. Arthur shifted a little, before moving forward and looking blearily through the bars that kept him from the boy he loved.

'Merlin? Merlin? What is it?'

Merlin whipped round in alarm. 'Oh, Arthur, Arthur. I forgot you were here. I forgot I was here.'

'What has happened?' Arthur asked.

'Nothing. It is fine, it was just a dream,' he muttered, more to reassure himself than to enlighten Arthur.

'What about?'

'Blood,' Merlin replied, staring into the darkness absently. 'So much blood, the smell of it, the heat, the icy cold. The burning, burning as if my skin were on fire,'

'Come here,' Arthur murmured, reaching through the bars to touch the young boy. Merlin kissed his palm before shuffling closer to the bars and curling up with his feet tucked behind him and lying on his side. Arthur stroked his raven black hair and slept with the side of his face pressed against the bars; the plan still firmly lodged in his mind to commence, when the sun rose.


	10. Exile

Sunrise: many things were happening.

Every person in the city, men, women and children were dragging themselves out of bed uncommonly early to stand in the streets, creating a pathway down to the gates at the edge of the city.

The knights were unlocking the Prince's cell and letting him go. Arthur walked calmly out of his cell without making eye contact with Merlin. As soon as he was through the door of the dungeon he ran as fast as his legs would carry him through the passages and catacombs. He skidded to a halt outside the armoury and delved in side for the things he would need.

The knights then moved onto Merlin. They threw the door open and dragged him out of his cell. One of them purposely patted him on the back with extra force, making him cringe. The dragged him by the arms through the corridors. It would take a little longer since Merlin couldn't walk for himself now.

Uther waited while his servant fastened his cloak and placed his crown on top of his receding hair. Then he made his way to the balcony overlooking the courtyard and waited for Merlin to appear.

Arthur came tearing out of the armoury clutching a small, metal object that clinked in his hands. He then went straight to the courtyard, passing an astonished Gwen on the way who had seen everything.

Arthur stepped out into the pathway which had been made for Merlin; he took a deep breath, preparing what he was going to say when a noise made him look up. Uther had already started addressing his people. 'People of Camelot; we have a heretic among us. Someone who thinks they can oppose God's will and get away with it.'

Merlin was dragged out into the morning sun. He still had no shirt on his back so everybody could see what Uther had used him as, a knife sharpener from the looks of it. Now there was daylight, each cut was visible and they were all far deeper than Arthur had thought in the dark.

Uther continued 'Merlin, this wretched excuse for a human, sexually assaulted my son, Prince Arthur, leaving him shaken. Merlin,' Merlin stared up at the King, his face set on fury at this outrageous accusation. 'You are hereby exiled from my Kingdom, not merely this city and if I ever see your face again I warn you now, I can and will have you killed; I'll kill you myself.' Merlin nodded simply, he understood that Arthur couldn't be accused of having a relationship that stretched any more than friendship with another man. He understood that Arthur had to be kept blameless for that time when he ruled these people and he needed their complete trust. But why did Uther have to tell the entire city _that_? Couldn't he have said something else? Anything else? Apparently not. He began to slowly drag his limp, immovable body down the path laid out for him. 'Now leave my kingdom, and never return,'

Silence.

How could a silence be so loud?

Merlin looked up at the people on either side of him, all looking on in hatred. No, wait, there were a few faces that didn't look like they would murder him. Morgana was staring up at Uther with as much hatred in her eyes as everybody else but, thankfully, it was not directed at Merlin.

Gwen was staring on, shocked and hurt. She loved Merlin, she had hoped that one day he would love her too but now she found she had just humiliated herself. Merlin had higher expectations than a mere handmaid. He wanted royalty.

Gaius. Gaius looked the most hurt. He caught Merlin's eye and shook his head despairingly; when would the boy ever learn? Gaius had loved Merlin like a son; he knew how Merlin felt about Arthur, Gaius had been the only one Merlin had confessed to. But that was it; the confession of his love was all Gaius knew about the whole thing. Merlin had never told Gaius that his relationship with Arthur had stretched any further than man and servant. If Gaius had known he would have been able to help them keep it a secret. He would have accepted them; but now he had no choice but to turn his back on Merlin, as everybody else must.

'No,' it was so quiet but everybody in the courtyard heard it. 'No.'

Merlin turned around; hardly daring to believe it. 'Arthur?' he whispered, incredulously.

Arthur stepped towards Merlin, closer, closer. Arthur stood in front of Merlin, protecting him from everything; the hate that emanated from the crowd, Uther's eyes, Uther's wrath, Gaius' despair and Gwen's hurt 'You can't send Merlin away,' Arthur bent down and took Merlin's hand, helping him onto his feet. Merlin had to lean heavily on his love for support because he was still, only just getting the feeling back in his legs. That whipping had been fierce.

Arthur held Merlin's hand in his own and murmured 'look at me,' Merlin looked into his love's deep blue eyes and didn't notice the _click_ of a lock on his hand. He only noticed when Arthur raised his hand into the air. Arthur had fastened a handcuff around one of Merlin's wrists. The second side of the handcuff dangled against Merlin's arm; Merlin looked at it blankly.

'Arthur, what are you doing?' Merlin asked, worried that the Prince would get himself into trouble but still unable to suppress a grin.

'I told you, I never want to let this go, I won't let you go Merlin.'

'So what are you going to do? Chain yourself to me and then what? He'll just get the key and unlock us,'

'He can't. I've got the only key and it's hidden in the one place he would never think to look,'

'Where?' Merlin asked instantly.

'Where's the one place I would never go?'

Merlin looked blank.

'The-' but Arthur was cut off there. They were so engrossed in the conversation that they had forgotten where they were. Guards were closing in on them again. This seems oddly familiar,' Arthur muttered before kissing Merlin on the cheek and turning to the guards.

Arthur reached for the sword in his belt but he didn't have enough time to pull it out, mainly because he refused to let go of Merlin's hand until he had got the handcuff on both of them which he still hadn't done. The guards were upon them almost instantly, wrenching Arthur away from Merlin who they knocked to the ground.

'Merlin!' Arthur roared in frustration as he was slowly borne away from him.

'Arthur!' Merlin yelled to no avail, 'Arthur! Arthur!'

The whole crowd was shouting now, their faces twisting and merging between hatred and disgust. They were gesticulating and closing in on him; barring him from Arthur. They were slowly making sure that the only way for him to go was away from the city.

The separation from Arthur, the hatred pouring down on him, all the emotions gave him a new power which rippled though his broken body, fixing it, it didn't make the scars go away but he could walk, he could run. And so, with one final look back at the castle and Arthur's desperate face searching for his, he turned and fled the city. For ever.

TBC


	11. Beauty

The guards didn't drop him, no matter his protestations. They kept dragging him deeper and deeper into the castle, down to the dungeons, not the ones he had spent the previous night in with Merlin. He was thrown back in the cell nearer to the rest of the castle where he had been kept like a dog in a kennel after ignoring his father and riding off to get the mortious flower.

When he was finally released from their iron grip he paced the cell shouting and bawling Merlin's name. He held the bars of the cell in his hands and shook them. Why had he let himself get distracted? He was going to make sure he could be with Merlin forever but, he was too greedy. He needed one more look at Merlin, needed to hear his voice one more time and the time it had taken had cost them each other.

He paced and he paced. Back and forth, back and forth. He didn't stop when Morgana came down to see him; he didn't listen to her either when she talked to him about getting revenge on Uther for what he had done. With hindsight he thought he should have listened really. The only time he stopped was when his father came down to talk to him.

'Arthur,'

Arthur moved forward into the dim light.

'Arthur, you cannot be angry with me,' Uther stated.

'And why shouldn't I?' Arthur snapped

'I was protecting you from yourself. What you were doing was against the law.'

'How so?' Arthur asked. 'It is far more of a crime to whip and scorn and humiliate than it is to care about someone. It is far more of a crime to turn your back on someone and leave them out in the dark and the cold. That is what you have done,'

'No I haven't! You are still here, in court, exactly where you were yesterday,'

'I wasn't talking about me!' Arthur shouted. 'You did nothing to me but caused me pain as you harmed my love. You did it to Merlin,'

'Merlin committe-'

'Merlin committed no crime, he did nothing. I was the perpetrator and yet you punished him. Why? You couldn't bare to see me harmed?'

'You are my only son, I have to protect you from the judgments of others and from yourself. I couldn't see you hurt. I couldn't hurt you,'

'You still don't get it, do you?' Arthur asked incredulously, 'You hurt me more by harming Merlin than if you had broken every bone in my body,'

Arthur turned and walked to the back of his cell, sitting against the wall and leaning back.

'Arthur, I am going to let you go,' Arthur sprang up, determined to find Merlin this very day but; 'in two days time,'

Arthur sat back down and a gust of air shot out of his lungs from the force of his fall. Uther left but Arthur didn't return to his pacing. He didn't see the point to it anymore. He sat there, staring inanely at nothing at all, turning the key to the handcuffs over and over in his fingers but not even noticing it. He didn't notice anything; not when the sun went down that evening, nor when it rose again the next day. He used to glory in all the colours of the day, the fire of the sun on the clouds and the ghostly blue of the moon on he hills. Now he just saw nothing, there was no beauty in his world anymore, somebody had turned off the light and left him in the dark and the cold.

When Gwen came down the steps to bring him some food he didn't move or speak. He just turned they key over and over. It caught the light and reflected it in a hundred different directions, but Arthur's eyes could not see it, everything misted over and was blank, and dull and lifeless.

The only sound that could possibly have woken him from his conscious slumber was the sound of the lock clicking open, which is what he heard the following morning. He leapt to his feet and pushed straight out of his cell, thundering up the stairs, excitement brewing inside him once more. He didn't care what his father did to him any more, his father didn't have the nerve to harm him.

But he couldn't desert the kingdom that would surely be his soon, his father was getting older and weaker after all. He only had one chance before Merlin would be too far away for Arthur to find him. One last shot, last chance to put it right.


	12. Chances

Freedom. With Merlin back in the front of his mind Arthur switched on. The grass was green as it flew beneath the cantering hooves of his horse. The wind was cold and bit his cheeks and nose turning them pink with flecks of red. The sun was covered by clouds and far away he could see beams of light penetrate the swollen, purple carpet that was above him and stretching for miles in every direction.

He didn't stop riding for hours, feeling the steady beat of the canter sooth him into calm. He knew where Merlin had gone, he could tell, he knew Merlin. The canter was the perfect pace, smooth and flowing; 123…123…123.

He flew over fields with tall grasses and wove through the trees under the dark, leafy green canopy of the forest. He jumped protruding roots and sped across the clearings with no trees and the rare snatch of pure sunlight. To be fair, Arthur thought as he covered a clearing in seconds and delved back into the trees; the sun was having a hard time of it today, it had to force it's way through those thick clouds and them through the acid green leaves to light his way.

When Arthur came to a river he slowed his horse to a stop before dismounting and loosely tying the reins to a low hanging branch of the nearest tree. He loosened the girth around its middle to give it a chance to let its stomach hang out, like a fat man undoing his trousers. The horse sighed as the strap loosened and then put its head down into the long, juicy fresh grass and began to pull whole twists of it from the earth.

Arthur knelt at the river bank, pulled off his gloves and, cupping his hands into a makeshift bowl, dipped them into the softly rippling water. It was icy cold and attacked his hands like knives, like the tiny teeth of a thousand piranhas. He splashed the water onto his face and rubbed his cheeks. He did it again and again before simply cupping his hands and drinking the water from them. It made him shudder as it washed down his throat but it felt good.

For what seemed like an age, Arthur stared at his reflection in the water. Where had he gone? This wasn't him looking back from the water. This person had all of his features but they were ever so slightly different. The mouth; the lips were of a more vivid red from the number of times he had torn at them with his teeth while watching his father torture his lover. His hair was a little more on end than usual from riding at such a speed for so long. His eyes, they were the same colour, the same shape, the same expression as usual but there was something distinctly different. They were an old man's eyes. Nobody as young as Arthur should have eyes that looked as if they had witnessed a hundred years of pain and hurt. Arthur didn't like to look at them. But; if he looked a little harder into the murky water, even deeper into the murky water of his eyes themselves…he nodded to himself. There wasn't just pain and hurt and anger and trouble, there was love. The love with which he gazed upon Merlin now shone permanently from his eyes. They glittered.

Arthur left the water's edge, tightened the girth on his horse, unknotted the reins and mounted again. He patted his stead as if to say _not far now_ and then they moved on at a casual walk.

As Arthur crossed the bridge his father's last words rang through his head; _Arthur, this is your last chance to prove to me that you can do the right thing_. And Arthur's reply followed; _I will do the right thing, My Lord. Now, if you will excuse me, I am going for a ride to clear my head._

As Arthur left the cover of the trees and officially entered Ealdor he felt like he was at home for the first time in months, since he had last been here. He nudged the horse to move a little quicker because he knew what he had to do.

He knew a lot of things about Merlin now; he knew that Merlin would come back here to visit his mother. But he also knew that Merlin would leave again not long after arriving. He knew that Merlin would not want to be anywhere that reminded him in the slightest of Arthur. And the last time Merlin had been in Ealdor, Arthur had been there too. Arthur knew this because he felt the same way; he didn't want to look at anything that could draw association with Merlin.

So this was Arthur's last chance to see Merlin before he would surely lose him for good. Arthur just hoped that he wasn't too late.


	13. Chasing

Merlin had staggered into the village that had served as his home for the first years of his life; until he went to Camelot and fell in love with handsome prince. No, no he mustn't think of that, not anymore. He shook his head to clear it of the image of Arthur, but he would never be rid of that image.

When people saw him, smiles instantly grew on their faces but they soon slackened into looks of concern and worry. He had no shirt on his back, which looked like a battlefield, and he was so pale and worn. Hunith was out in the fields, working on bringing in the harvest before the weather spoiled it all so she was not there to greet him. He walked slowly into her little house and sat at the table.

There was nothing to do now except stay here for e few days to get up his strength and then leave. He didn't know where he was going, but he knew he couldn't stay here. Just sitting in this house he could see Arthur, see him standing in front of the door with a bowl of gruel in his hands, pulling a face and handing it to Gwen. He was there, he really was, but then he was gone. And that was why Merlin had to get out of here soon, he saw Arthur everywhere he looked, and it just made the strings of his heart tug more.

Two days later Merlin was packing his things back into his old bag. He folded a clean set of clothes and some food, and water. That was all he would need, he thought, hopelessly. He took one final look around the house, slung his bag onto his back which was healing nicely, and walked out to say goodbye to his mother.

He had barely walked out of the door when his mother ran into him. 'Merlin,' she panted, excitedly. 'Merlin,'

'What is it?' he asked, gently.

'It's Arthur,'

'What?'

'Arthur, Arthur, he's here. He's looking for you,' Merlin froze for a moment before kissing his mother on the cheek and looking deep into her eyes for a second.

'I love you,'

'Love you too,' she mumbled.

'Goodbye,' he whispered before running behind the row of houses, in the direction of the woods, away from Arthur.

* * *

'Hunith,' Arthur called jovially as he dismounted from his horse and tied it to the nearby fence.

She smiled and moved closer to him. 'Prince Arthur, it's so lovely to see you,'

'I wish I could say the same,' Arthur replied, 'but something happened in Camelot and I need to see Merlin. I think he's here...' but judging from Hunith's face he wasn't.

'Prince Arthur-'

'There's really no need to call me that, Arthur is fine Hunith.'

'Arthur,' she said, 'Merlin was here. I just told him that you had arrived and he ran. He can't have got far, he needs you. You have to go and find him. Since he arrived he's just been...blank. There's nothing there, there's nothing behind his eyes and he's got his arms wrapped around him the whole time, like he's trying to hide himself from something. He wasn't like that last time I saw him. He was happy and open and free; at that was thanks to you,' Arthur nodded, letting every word sink in. 'please, you have to find my boy, he can't have left more than five minutes ago.'

'Which way did he go?' Arthur asked urgently.

Hunith pointed towards the trees.

'Thank you, I'll do what I can,' and with that, Arthur ran across the village and through the open space until he reached the cover of the trees.

* * *

The cover of the trees made Merlin feel calm. The green light filtering through the leaves cast peculiar shadows on his face and hands when he spread them out in front of him. Everything was covered in moss and grass. The ground was a sea of leaves, twigs and grass.

He walked slowly through the trees, taking his time, staring up at the branches intertwining above his head. He climbed what he thought was a hill until he noticed the hard, cold surface, it was a rock. He sat on the edge with his legs hanging down, he loved to fell the pull towards the earth, and it made him feel like he was defying gravity, like he was flying.

* * *

Arthur closed his eyes for a moment when he reached the cover and shade of the trees. But he didn't stop moving. He could feel Merlin was near him, if he could only see him. Oh! Where _was _he? Where could he be now? Arthur thrashed through the trees staring hard in every direction. He didn't want to miss Merlin because he hadn't looked the right way at the right time.

* * *

Merlin could feel Arthur near him; his heart jumped into his throat and his smile lit up his face making his eyes glitter. He jumped up to try and see him, he just needed to see Arthur one more time. But, no. He couldn't see Arthur. If he saw him, he would never be able to leave. He would never have the strength to turn and walk away from him. He slung his bag onto his back again and made to get away from this place.

'Wait!' Arthur shouted from the bottom of the rock. Merlin turned around, his eyes already shining with tears. 'Please wait,' Arthur begged. 'Don't leave me,' Merlin wanted to go, he felt driven to leave before he became too attached once more. He turned away from Arthur with difficulty and descended the rock in the opposite direction at a run. Running away from the thing that didn't scare him, Arthur, and running straight into the one thing he feared most of all; solitude.

Arthur ran after him; he sprinted, racing, stretching, he grasped Merlin's hand and turned him round. 'Look at me!' he shouted, loud into his face; 'look at me,' he said again, quietly, but with a voice that shook, 'listen to me, why can't you see me? Why can't you see me here?'

Merlin was still looking at the ground and Arthur held him by both forearms and shook him like a little child. 'Let go of me,' Merlin said, blankly. Arthur didn't move. He took a deep breath before wrenching his arms out of Arthur's grip and struggling on again.

This time Arthur didn't chase him, 'You don't love me anymore,' he whispered.


	14. Darkness

'How can you say that?' Merlin whipped around. 'How can you stand there and say that I don't love you?'

Arthur didn't say anything.

'Why would I still be here if I didn't love you? Why would I have scrubbed at the cobbles in the courtyard that were drenched in blood? It wasn't for me, it wasn't for Uther; it was for you. I only left my mother's house because I could see you everywhere I turned in that village,' he pointed in the direction of Ealdor as he spoke. 'Every little gust of a breeze carried your voice, your words. I thought I would be able to get away from it and away from you if I left. I know I haven't exactly got far, but I can already tell that you and your voice and your touch and,' he let out a huge gust of air, 'and your eyes will follow me for the rest of my life. I can handle that as long as I don't see you.'

'You don't want to see me, ever again?' Arthur asked as if that confirmed that Merlin didn't care for him in the slightest anymore.

Merlin dropped his bag. It hit the ground with a dull thud. He walked fast and purposefully towards Arthur, pulling off his shirt as he went. Arthur could see now, for the first time that the scars on Merlin's back were nothing to the ones on his front. He hadn't noticed them before but now he understood that that piece of wood at the end of the whip was designed to curl around the victim and slash his front, leaving his back to the mercy of the cracking rope itself. His chest looked like a spider's web.

'Do you not think I have enough reason to never want to see you again,' Merlin said with air heavy and thick in his voice. He wanted to carry on, to say that, however many excuses he had to shut Arthur out of his life, he didn't want to. He wanted to say that nothing, not the scars on his back or the disgust of his friends, nothing could hurt him as much as not being with Arthur did.

But Merlin never got the chance, Arthur spoke first and as he spoke, he took several slow, measure steps backwards; 'Fine, I won't cause you any more pain and distress. I won't be around to hurt you any longer,' on the last word his voice cracked and he turned and ran away, back through the trees.

* * *

Arthur closed on himself. Everyone had noticed it. He never smiled, he never laughed, his eyes were closed off from the world. The first night without Merlin was hell. He did not sleep at all and just stared at the window, at the North Star and muttured, 'My light in the dark,' all night. When the sun rose in the morning he added to his mantra. 'My light in the dark has gone out, and it ill never light my night sky again,' After one night of tortuous mutturing and no sleep Arthur went to Gaius for help. He asked for a sleeping draft powerful enough to keep in numb for twelve hours and terrible enough to wipe his mind blank and make it peaceful while he slept.

In short, the light had gone out.

TBC


	15. Murder

**Three Years Later**

Walking along a corridor; breathing in, breathing out, in, out. You must keep calm. You have been planning this ever since that day, you have to do it. All the plotting and scheming, all the that plans never quite worked. They all weren't as simple and as complicated; as violent and as easy. They didn't give him the pleasure of feeling flesh tear and bones crack and blood drip. You can't do this if you are not calm. You've been waiting for this chance for three years. You have to take it. YOU HAVE TO TAKE IT. Steps are speeding up, getting faster and faster and the breathing's getting louder. He opens the door but She slips out of it, her eyes wide when she sees him. She is pale. She is tearful. What has She been doing? He wasn't supposed to be here; She thinks, what is he doing here, messing up her plans?. She breathes in his ear; 'Uther's asleep, there's no point in going in there, I just came in and he was sleeping like a baby, so I think I'll leave it to tomorrow,'

She walks off. She is quick paced. He face is covered with her hands. That isn't her normal behaviour. But who was he to judge? He wasn;t acting normally either; but he had a good reason.

Uther's asleep. Perfect. He doesn't call him 'Father' anymore. He is Uther, the king, no other relation or connection. But He can't go now, She has just seen him. He'll have to wait until someone else has been in there, or at least until he sees Her again. He walks off in search of Her. But She is nowhere to be found.

Hang it, He thinks. After this I'll be in charge, I'm hardly going to order my own decapitation.

He enters the room where Uther is sat in a chair. Uther's head is on his shoulder.

He takes a deep breath; he holds the dagger out in front of him and grips it hard with both of his hands. He plunges it into Uther's chest and then runs, without even pulling the dagger out of the corpse. But there was none of the sensations he wanted to feel. The flesh was slack so it didn't tear beautifully, the bones were weak so they didn't crack, they crumbled, and there was no drip, drip, drip of blood.

Arthur slipped into a secret passage way to grip his head in his hands. He had killed his Father. Morgana is in there. He jumps when he notice's her. There are tears in her eyes.

'Haven't you heard?' she asked.

Arthur frowned.

'Uther's dead,' she whispered and she scratched her face and pulled at her hair. She dug her nails so violently into her cheeks again and again. Soon, instead of simple red marks, there are tracks of blood. They run down her cheeks and onto her neck and sleeves. What is wrong with her?

They sit there in silence for hours. When they finally have the voice to speak; 'Arthur, there's something I need to tell you,'

'Morgana, I need to confess.'

'I killed Uther Pendragon,' Morgana whispered.

'What?' Arthur asked, incredulous.

'I killed him, I'm sorry but I had to, I poisoned him,' the words hang in the air above both of them like a dark cloud.

'No, no. Morgana, you didn't kill him. I killed him, I…I stabbed him in the chest and left the knife there. I killed him.'

'Did he bleed?'

'What do you mean? Of course he bled, that's what happens when you stab someone.'

'Listen to me Arthur, really listen. Focus on the feeling, what did it feel like to kill him? Did you feel like you held life and death in your hands?'

Arthur had closed his eyes. '…No,' he said quietly, it felt like his fate had already been decided and it didn't matter what I did.

'Exactly, now focus on the moment right after he was stabbed. Blood should have come seeping through his shirt straight away; your hands should have been stained red. Were they?'

Again, all Arthur could say was, '…No,'

'Arthur, a corpse doesn't bleed, and Uther didn't bleed. I killed him; I poisoned him and slipped out of the room, right in front of you. I hadn't planned for that.'

'But, three years, I spent three years feeling nothing except a need to kill, at the beginning it didn't matter what I killed.' Arthur looked up, away from his twisting fingers and, for the first time in she didn't know how long, Morgana could see him properly, he was open and honest. 'It could have been you, Uther, me, Gwen, anybody. It could have been anything. I had to feel like there was _something_ I could control in my life, so I controlled the life of others. I managed to restrict myself to animals but still, I had to kill. And slowly, this yearning to kill narrowed down further and further until I knew I had to kill Uther-'

Morgana interrupted him; 'Why do you call him Uther, he's your Father,'

'He has not been my father for three years. Not since the day he…not since the day,' And, just as suddenly as the doors to Arthur had opened, they swung shut, leaving Morgana banging on a closed door.

'Well, what are you going to do about Uther's death?' Morgana asked, awkwardly.

'What makes you think I have to do anything about it?' Arthur asked.

'You're the crowned Prince, you're the king now Uther's dead,'

'Oh,' Arthur hadn't thought of it like that before; what was he going to do? 'We'll hold a funeral, not in the tomb with all the rest of the kings, we'll make it on the battlefield that is where he wanted to be buried, he deserves that much. I'll make a speech. That will be my final act as Prince Arthur, and we'll hold the coronation the next day,'

'It had batter be tomorrow then, as soon as the other kingdoms hear that Camelot has no King they will attack, in an attempt to conquer,' Morgana said, knowingly.

Arthur nodded and left the secret passage, preparing to organize the funeral.

TBC

**DISCLAIMER: I really should have put this at the beginning of the story but there is need of it now! I don't own Merlin etc, you know it's on every fanfic BUT I also don't own the plot line of Uther's death. I took it from GOSFORD PARK. I thought it was really clever how somebody poisoned him and somebody else stabbed him and he didn't bleed, so I put it in here. The murder plot belongs to GOSFORD PARK**


	16. Mankind

* * *

The weather was dull, overcast and cloudy. The clouds were water-colour purple and billowing like undulating hills. The wind was like a wall pressing against them as they stood on the field. Every blade of grass was bent over and quivering.

'We are gathered here today,' said Arthur, projecting his voice over the whistling wind but not shouting. 'to bid farewell to our king.'

There was a silence so loud it deafened; so sharp it sliced the skin, so cold I froze down to the core.

Merlin felt the silence. First it screamed in his ears, then it sliced face and hands before finally drawing all heat from his body and leaving him cold and grey. Merlin had changed. The three years had made him a man, when he was a boy before. His hair had grown out of the bowl cut and was now loose and casual around his face, framing his features perfectly. His cheekbones were highlighted even more than before as he had matured. Light stubble had grown on his face but never formed a proper beard, as he had learned the spell to keep it from growing any more.

**Some small but noteworthy notes about Merlin:**

**It hurt him to smile.**

**He had travelled up and down the country for three years camping in forests and swimming in lakes.**

**He couldn't remember what his voice sounded like because he hadn't heard it in so long.**

**Somewhere, far down, there was an itch in his heart, but he made it a point not to scratch it. He was afraid of what might come tumbling out.**

He stood on the hill and melted into the landscape. He had lived in the grass and the trees and the air for so long that he belonged to it now and he was part of it.

Arthur didn't know Merlin was there; and Merlin didn't know Arthur was. He could see a group of people gathered in the field but couldn't see anyone distinctly.

Arthur continued with his speech; 'When Uther was first crowned King he was good, and kind, and brave. He fought for what he believed in and he believed in peace, trust, love and equality. He loved, and was loved by his people, but he loved my mother more than anything in the world. Igraine was the only light in his dark night sky,' Arthur's voice cracked; he hadn't meant to say that. 'But when she died, his heart froze and he couldn't feel a thing. When he lost Igraine, he lost himself,' Arthur was beginning to see parallels between himself and his father and it disgusted him. He wasn't like his father; he hated his father, had had killed his father. Or at least attempted to, but somebody had got there first. But, in killing his father, by killing his father, he had proved that they were the same. What had he done? 'He didn't love my mother anymore; he loved the feeling of loving her. And he loved the feeling that she loved him back; and he like the fact that she wasn't there to tell him that she loved or hated him anymore.' He wasn't talking about Uther anymore. The congregation thought he was, but in his mind he was talking about himself and Merlin.

And seeing his son loving Merlin so much made the King feel an insane jealousy; Arthur continued the narrative in his head. I love and was loved by somebody alive, young and passionate, and that's something he could never feel again. And he hated how Merlin made me his first priority, the most important thing in his life, as he is in mine. Uther couldn't bare it because, at one point, even Igraine didn't love him the most in the world. She loved me, just for a moment, and gave her life to deliver me to this world.

Arthur looked up, as he came out of his trance, to find a sea of concerned, worried and excited faces. A stronger breeze swept through the air and caught Morgana and Gwen's hair. It danced in the air; twirling and twirling around them. For a moment he thought how pretty they both were.

'So I ask of you today, to remember Uther as the king he was when he began his rein; the young, thrusting, idealistic man who wanted to change world and make it better. Forget his actions towards the end. Please, stand and bow your heads; to King Uther,'

'King Uther,' the words were swept up on the air, deep and mournful. The coffin was lowered into the ground and the mud was piled on top of it. Everything was silent, except for the grinding of the spades and the soft _thump_ as the dirt his the ground again.

When all was done, the congregation, Morgana, Gaius and Gwen all began the long walk back to the city. There was work to be done for the coronation the next day. Arthur, however, needed some time on his own; 'Not that he doesn't get enough of that in Camelot, shut up in his room all day and night,' Morgana commented on the way back.

Merlin had noticed one person walking away from the group; he didn't want to see anyone. He hadn't been this close to Camelot in he didn't know how long. He didn't want to risk somebody recognising him.

To this end; Merlin slipped through the trees, he wandered for a while but the whole time he thought he might go for a swim. He turned his feet North West and headed towards the lake. The bag hit the ground with a _thump_, soon followed my Merlin's clothes. He stood high on the rock above the lake for a moment, glorying in the feeling of freedom before holding hands above his head and jumping into a sleek and practised dive.

He closed his eyes and felt the air rush past him. His hands touched the water and sank into it; followed by his head and body. The water was cold and fresh. As Merlin swam easily from one side of the lake to the other in a matter of strokes he couldn't tell when his arms were out of the water and when they were in it. After twenty lengths Merlin twisted onto his back and drifted around the water, listening intently to his breathing.

He felt content; but not happy. He couldn't feel happy, he couldn't smile. He didn't want to smile. The last time he had smiled as he stood on a cliff far in the south of England; away from the whole kingdom of Camelot, and took delight in the spectacular view he saw, his hands had shook. His breath came in short, heavy bursts, his eyes rolled into his head which spun. There had been a deep stabbing, sharp pain in every fibre of his body but worst of all, worse than all of those things, was the dark, hollow ache that had covered his chest like something heavy pressing down on him and constricting his breathing. And he hadn't been able to shift it since.

As his body cooled and began to feel icy and uncomfortable he left the water and climbed back up the rock to his clothes. Even though he knew he was alone he felt the need to dress behind a tree.

Arthur walked hard, with his head down and his feet marching on. He didn't notice that trees were now over his head. He didn't notice the roots beneath his feet or the trunks on each and every side of him. Not until he saw rippling water and his own reflection below him did he stop walking and look up. He was surrounded by trees and green, dark light.

He stood there for a long moment in silence before a figure came out from behind a tree and took about three steps before catching sight of Arthur. He stopped; stopped everything. The figure stopped walking, stopped moving, stopped breathing, stopped thinking.

Merlin knew who it was on the other side of the water. It took Arthur a few moments to recognise Merlin; he shook his head slightly, in disbelief.

Arthur walked around the lake around the lake, to Merlin. Merlin still couldn't move. He just watched the blonde man walking first further away from him as he followed the curve of the lake and then back towards him, moving faster and faster. His breathing got heavier as he neared the raven haired man, stood still.

Faster, faster, nearer, nearer. Arthur caught hold of Merlin and pulled him into a bone crushing hug. Merlin fit perfectly into his arms and as they held each other and became one person, the film over Arthur's eyes was removed and he saw the light of day again.

They did not know how long they stood there, feeling the warmth of each other and the blood pump through their veins. But when they finally drew apart Merlin started at him and touched his face curiously. This wasn't the face he had left. He touched the cheeks, the soft eyelids and lips. They were the same but different and he didn't know why.

'What has happened?' Merlin asked. 'You are changed,'

'Uther is dead,' Arthur replied.

Silence.

Silence.

How long could a silence be between two people?

'You have to return with me,' Arthur replied.

'Why?' Merlin asked cautiously.

'Because there s no reason for you to stay away now. Come on Merlin, I've missed you so much, you must come back with me,' Merlin said nothing. 'I order you to come back with me,' Arthur joked.

Merlin backed away, fear blazing in his eyes. 'N-n-no! No! You can't make me!' he refused

'Don't you want to come back?' Arthur said, crestfallen.

'N-' But Arthur cut in.

'But I waited for you! I spent three years locking myself away from everybody, hating my own father and plotting to kill him. I put a knife through my father for you! I know it didn't matter; Morgana got there first but I didn't know that then! I thought I had killed my father for you. I shut everybody out and closed off my life for you.'

'I didn't ask you to,' Merlin replied quietly.

'I thought you'd come back to me,' Arthur whispered.

Merlin looked away. He couldn't look Arthur in the eye if he was going to say what he needed to say; this was going to hurt both of them. 'I said I had more than enough reason not to not want you in my life,' Merlin said. 'But I didn't say I didn't want you in my life. You took it that way and left. I've been on my own; out here in the fields and the trees and the splendid golden sunshine; I've been with me. I had to forget about you or I wouldn't be able to live. I had to think of other things. I locked you in my heart and suppressed you there. But you itched. You itched against the beating pulse of my life and I had to tell myself every day not to scratch. It's been three years; I've grown. I've grown up. I had to become a man before my time; from the sound of it so have you. But with maturity I took all the feelings that came with it and made myself a whole person. I moved on.

'But you, Arthur; you stayed in that dark place. You stayed where I left you and you got stuck there.' And now he looked right into Arthur's eyes and proved to himself that he had moved on. 'Grow up, Arthur. Move on. Move on… I have. That's what we do; mankind. We live for the moment, we love for the joy of it and then we move on,'

'Then I don't want to be like the rest of Mankind,' Arthur said desperatley.

'You have no choice,'

* * *

'Arise, King Arthur,' Arthur stood up from the thrown with a crown on his perfect blonde hair and a cross in his hand. The crowd applauded and, as Arthur made his speech, he glanced up to the highest tower of the castle of Camelot. There was a slim, dark haired, pale skinned man stood there, staring down on all he saw and, together, they both smiled. This was how it was supposed to be. That night, as the celebrations began to die and become quiet and calm, Merlin walked back out of Camelot. Nobody had seen him; nobody had recognised him, well, except the king.

And as he journeyed back to the beautiful landscape of trees and fields, lakes and rivers, he melted into the scenery and nobody could have said they had seen him, because he was not there. He was only ever seen by Arthur and only when Arthur was in desperate need of him. When Merlin arrived at various battles and speeches, anywhere that Arthur needed him. They two men shared a quiet smile, one long look into the eyes of the other, and a touch of the hand.


	17. Final

The final meeting of these two was the only one when things were different. Arthur dreamed of Merlin and when he awoke in the night; Merlin was next to him to comfort and love him, as he always would. He followed the whispered instructions of the King. He went to find Arthur's wife in the castle and told her what Arthur had told him to say. He went to Arthur's eldest son and told him what his Father had wanted him to know. Because this was the most important thing Arthur would ever need Merlin for; the telling of his family, the instructions, the order. The choice: who Arthur had chosen.

When Merlin returned to Arthur's bedside he took Arthur's face in his hands and kissed his lips gently, Arthur kissed back. But when he pulled away Arthur's eyes were closed and his face was slack. He was thirty nine years old; no age. He was thirty nine years old and he was king of Camelot. He was thirty nine years old and he was dead.

That same night Merlin carried Arthur's limp body out into the courtyard and wrapped his arms around him. This was his final act of kindness; final act of devotion and love. And as they stood in the centre of the cobbles, where Merlin had scrubbed so many years ago now Merlin closed his eyes and saw the two of them. He saw them separated and living different lives, only seeing each other when they had need. He saw the pain of this. Then he saw what might have been, so many days of love and joy and happiness. Merlin could taste the bittersweet air of 'What if' and 'If only' but he didn't swallow it. And as Merlin clung to Arthur, he murmured the incantation, as if speaking to a lover; which he was in a way. Merlin and Arthur disappeared. A huge tree was stood in their place. Two huge trees in fact, one with the trunk of the other wrapped tight around it. And so, for the rest of eternity; Merlin and Arthur were entwined and they grew with each passing day stronger, older and more magnificent.

The End.

Well I have to say that this is quite a long story and wasn't intended to be so. I would like to say a HUGE thank you to Shannara810 for her incredible contribution to this fic. Without her input into what Uther must be feeling (see Arthur's speech at the funeral, chapter 16) I would not have finished this fic, I would have given up to a big hug throught cyberspace to you in Italy, Shan! I would also like to point out that the idea for the murder was from Gosford Park and the itch in Merlin's heart was from the book thief...but the rest was from ME! Finally I would like to say thanks to all of the reviewers of this fic for keeping me happy enough to write the next chapter (and the next and the next and the next)!

And to answer Blackfyre's question i have now put morgana's motive for killing Uther into the chapter 'Murder' maybe the clues were a bit too subtle :S

Thanks and bye bye! I'll be writing a new fic soon

Shadows xxx


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